Saturday, November 14, 2015

#ParisAttack

The first thing I do is look for a final body count.
Forty dead, hostages at a concert. 
One hundred dead.  Two explosions
at a stadium.
Patrons of restaurants picked off.  One hundred
twenty dead.
Over 150.  The concert raid is over.

As if a number will help me negotiate my reaction;
is this a small, medium, large, or super-size
terroristic attack? 
I don’t feel anything.

Pictures, show me pictures.  Show me blood
in the streets, show me the faces of the bereaved.
I want to see the hostages coming out of the concert,
the stadium explode.  But then,
this image:

a body, outside a restaurant, a sheet over it,
her arm exposed, a bit of pretty jewelry
on a lifeless wrist.
I am in Paris, on that Rue,
crying at that dead woman with the sparkle
who was enjoying a Friday night out
and died for…what?

Meinke, where are you?  Where are the better poets
who see the cause-and-effect of political war from the street level,
who have better ways of describing the empathy
I tried to feel.
Here are the bodies of the good
people who died before hero came, and into the night
flees the “giant ogre dragon troll.”  Tell them how to
temper my their desire for revenge
and not attach it to the first available hooligan
some government props up as the Enemy.

I cannot feel anything.
I cry for insensitivity
because I know
on Earth, 150 dead Parisians
is a drop in the bucket as far as body counts go,

and I don’t want to cry that much this morning.

Monday, February 16, 2015

On being "stuck" in SEK.

Despite the sunlight that is criss-crossing in beams off the blanket of snow in this February noonday sun, today is a shitty day.  As the melancholy of no cigarettes and no coffee creeped into my mental environs, around 10 AM this morning I realized that this town offers me very little incentive to stick around.  An inventory:  my best friend is dead, my marriage is over 7 months, the strange "it's complicated" relationship with my roommate ended when I asked him to move out a week ago.  My parents are moving four hours away (if you're not familiar with Mid-West speak, we judge distance by the time it takes to drive there.)  I have 1 zen job with a fantastic friend for a boss, my sister and her family, and 14 years of history to keep me rooted.  

I should be basking in the bright light and being happy to be human and alive but instead I feel more like the puddles of snow I tromped in, melting into non-existence on the rug.  I tried to quit buying cigarettes this weekend and I even watched this comedic expose of the fuckery that Big Tobacco is visiting upon places like Indonesia and Togo but my head is too unhappy with all the changes going on, all the goings of people in my life, and cigarettes are too dear a friend to mourn today.  So here's 3.42$ toward the lawyers needed to manpower your trumped-up litigation, Phillip Morris.  

So what's keeping me here?  I have a theory that the only way humanity is going to progress at this stage in our existence is not if we all congregate in the awesome places in the world but rather if we start making the awesome wherever we're planted.  Eschew the Horatio Algers "grass is always greener" bullshit behavior of our evolutionary biology and actually try to come to terms with and maintain a resilient approach to this native century.  Do something worthwhile one little step at a time.  

You can't just say we're gonna progress as a species, then sit back and wait for others to take up the banner.  That's faith, and my faith in modern America is limited.  My hope for a better tomorrow is not, and my confidence in myself?  

Well, bloom where you're planted.  

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Inside the Juniper Temple

Dez "Inside the Juniper Temple," Paradocs
I made a trip to investigate a landscape today.
The landscape was a densening tangle of paths.
The tangle of paths revealed a grove of trees.
The grove of trees bowed into their center.
The air in the center was silent.

The silence was waiting, or had already been.
   there is a paradox* inside the Juniper Temple
   either there is nothing or everything there.

*wei wu wei

Friday, March 21, 2014

Was Fred Phelps Ever Happy?

Fred Phelp's recent death deserves a few observations and reflection.

As Adolf Hitler started out as a landscape artist and then became one of the perpetrators of the worst crimes against humanity in the 20th century, so too did Phelps start out as a civil rights lawyer who fought against Jim Crow laws in Topeka in the 1960s, despite violent acts towards his family's security, only to end his life by becoming one of the loudest proponents of malicious protest.

Why is it that certain individuals begin their lives by committing an endeavor that demonstrates reverence for the human condition and irreconcilably end their lives with a series of anti-humanist actions?

Is that question more profound than when we consider an individual who spent their earlier years as a transgressor, then devoted their life to the benefit of the human condition?  Why is it so much more inconceivable to us that an artist can commit genocide and one who works to promote the well-being of a disenfranchised group turn around to vomit the worst sort of bile at others?

If not more profound, it it certainly more mysterious.  Little wonder an alcoholic re-considers the damages of drunkenness to commit themselves to reconciliation and put effort into more honorable pursuits.  But it is downright confounding when an artist turns to genocide and an activist to free-floating hatred.

Isn't it?  Not entirely.

I submit - and realize there may be some holes in this - but, at some point in their early lives, these human beings committed too much of their own happiness to their works.

One of the few things human beings have control over is their moods.  Despite a barrage of arms-fire or the consequences of starvation, human beings have still recalled something simple - a bird-call, a smile, maybe, that in those desperate times resulted in their happiness, however briefly.  But even though we are all responsible for our own interior climate, it is rare that any of us can commit to and achieve that degree of self-control.

Remember, too, that there is no absolute altruism.  Or, it is so rare, that it can only be applied in extremely specific cases.  Most of us give because we expect to receive - not necessarily an exchange of gifts, but perhaps we toss our coins into the charity jar with the intention of feeling good about ourselves.    

But for the most part, society ebbs and flows within specified parameters of give-and-take, without excelling at altruism nor committing to hatred.  It is interesting and rare to find those who deviate in either direction, and worth commenting on in terms of human tendency.

Though seemingly (and perhaps even sincerely, in part) for the greater good, whether that be artistic expression or objection to injustice, Hitler and Phelps simply attached too much of themselves to their endeavors.  What started out as sincere at some point became a too-powerful extension of themselves conditional on approval. Unable to differentiate between self and pursuit, and lacking recognition for achievement by society - thereby achieving happiness - the only way to correct for the deficiency was to criminalize those who did not bestow upon them the recognition they believed they deserved.  If this didn't result in happiness, perhaps the impetus was satisfaction in revenge.

There are comments to be made, perhaps if parts of Hitler and Phelp's lives are examine more specifically.  This is merely the confluence of a curiosity about what turns inspired endeavors into hateful people and the engaging Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.

A final thought, though.  We all seem to depend, in some way or another, on the positive opinions and recognition of others.  When we receive it, we are satisfied for a while.  When we don't, we are disheartened, angry, or sad.  Taking into consideration the extreme consequences of such behavior, perhaps it would be better if we dedicate some mental activity over controlling our happiness.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Letter to a Spectre

the sun penetrates damp topsoil
to warm deeper sentiment

brings, in this bare spring night
a resurrection. Collected under
brown grass
warmed, too warm for the cold ground;
earth uncurls
frozen fingers
and she rises.
A haze long and sweet under
the violin moon.

Baby-toothed smile
come back, you can wrap
your half moon/half sun
small hands of bone
around my living flesh.
I can smell your death, sweet
warmed damp earth and memory.